Lets Be Real; The truth about having a Chronic illness.

I'm going to be very candid about what it's like to have lymes disease and chronic fatigue. I'm an optimistic person. But half of the post is going to be sarcastic and genuinely honest about what it's like to live with health issues.

If any of you who are reading this, have struggles like mine, I'm sorry! I got your back!

 If you know me, I'm sure the words you would use to describe me would be Happy, outgoing, sassy at times, and loving.... Well I would hope. :)

If you really know me and have known me for a long time, you know I struggle with my health. There are days that I don't get out of bed till 3, and times when all I can do is sit in the bottom of the shower and breathe. I tend to play off my health issues like they are no big deal. I'm sure many people don't even realize the struggle that I have. 

Tonight was a hard night for me, I am turning 24 on Sunday and I just broke down. It is a hard thing to be so young and so sick. There's time when  I think I need to just purchase a punching bag, and get all my anger out using that. But then I realize I would probably have to rest and call in sick to work the next day because I would be so warn out from punching the bag. 

I didn't want to be sick,  I didn't ask for it. But it's okay, it's one of my struggles in this life. I know I can do this. 

I have always been grateful for my life and it has seemed that no matter how dark times have gotten for me, I have always been able to push through any kind of crap that has come my way. Whether it was my own mistake or pain caused by others. 

I'm sick of being sick. I'm sick of being more excited about finding great yoga pants to snuggle in my bed in, then great jeans. I'm tired of waking up just in time for work to get there, and just make it through the day and then come straight home, and jump in to bed. I'm sick of knowing every movie and TV series on Netflix. I'm tired of being almost 24 years old and saying I'm tired and I need to rest. I'm a party pooper, I'm sure I have lost friends because I tend to say no to a lot of things, or we plan something and the day comes and I cancel... To my friends, I want you to know that I love you, and I would love to go out and dance and play volleyball for hours and hours, and go rock climbing, but my body has to save up energy to do that.

And to My friends that may be surprised reading this; your probably thinking "what!" 

I know I come off like I am full of energy, and can keep going like and energizer bunny, but I can't, I'm just really really good and using my smile to hide my struggle. :)

Like today for instance, I went to bed around 11 last night, but of course my body was hurting and i was getting the lovely hot flashes and I couldn't fall asleep till 3, then my alarm goes off for church, I set snooze, I finally wake up at 12:10, and throw a dress on and some lipstick... I'm sure people who saw me thought I took time to get ready and probably didn't even think I was sick. Make up is a great thing.... especially when you lay back down in your bed and do it while your all snuggled in your bed... Thats when you know its a hard day... When you don't have enough energy to stand and do your make up. I then went to church, made it through and hour and a half, I really struggled because my mind was racing and I couldn't focus... Yes, to others they would say that happens to me all the time.. blah blah blah... Well with lymes it makes you feel like your head is going to explode, because my mind is going so fast, it causes my body to have anxiety and then I get a headache. So I came home filled up my water, grabbed a banana, and got in bed, and stayed there till 7:30. Tossing, turning, starring at the wall, napping, watching netflix, covering my face with a pillow because the cold side just felt good.

I decided to pull my hair up and go to a church activity with my roommate at about 8pm, after the activity I came home and went back to my room. I then of course was really stressed about a lot of things and threw up. I finally started feeling better, and am writing this from my bed. I have my red Dixie sweatshirt on, Nike spandex, Cariloha socks, and a heating pad on my legs. Oh and then there are the tears that are still sitting on my face from crying earlier... Because ya know, I'm just sick of being sick. :)

I think one of the hardest things is being sick and having people say "but you look healthy." "I had no idea""but you're so happy." "I wish I could lay down all the time like you." "You're lucky."

I know they mean well, but I could look at these people and freakin high five their face. "But you're happy." For reals!?? Ya. I am happy, I love life, I live my life, am I supposed to be sad??? Ya I have bad days, and bad weeks, but I still love my life.

"You wish you could lay down like me all the time." Yes, please try it. It's the best thing ever to be exhausted just taking a shower and having to lay down because your body is weak. Yes my gosh, it's the greatest having the day go by when you have so much to do or want to do, but can't because you physically can't get up. Then it's even better, because you then get stressed because you have a lot to do, then you get more sick. Whats even better, is when your body feels its best at 4 in the morning... so why not do laundry and get some groceries... You got to take advantage of times like that. :)

"I'm lucky." Oh hell yes I am!! I'm the luckiest person you will ever meet! Holla! Lucky me to have more doctors in my phone than family members, lucky me that I can't go to school full time and can barely go part time. Flip! Lucky me that I have the great joy of letting any guy I date seriously that "Hey, ya know if we get hitched, we are going to have to get a really good and comfy bed for your wife who is lucky enough to rest in it a lot." 

Oh yeah, I'm one lucky duck. I think one of the scarier things is worrying that I won't find someone who can deal with my health stuff. But I know I will. :)

But you know what, I probably enjoy the good times in life more than a lot of people. Reason being is, I know that bad times so well, that any tiny beautiful moment I cherish and genuinely smile from ear to ear. It could be as simple as someone bringing me a drink to work, and I would be on cloud nine for weeks. Truly. 

I'm lucky enough to recognize the small joys in life. 

I'm also lucky enough to have a Netflix account on behalf of my sister. :) She pays for it and I watch it. :)

One of the biggest things I am grateful for is having a family that loves me and understands me. Yes they give me crap, and tease me. But they support me, and allow me to lean on them. They also kick my butt in to gear if I need it. From the 2am calls with my mom crying and just having her listening ear. To my dad who caringly supports me, and will drop anything he is doing to serve me in any way. To my siblings who are there for me, I love you guys.

My daily life can be a real struggle. But I'm learning how to manage it. I'm understanding my self more and I'm developing a more trusting relationship with my Heavenly Father. There have been times when I did not have the strength to do something and I was literally carried through events in my life.

The picture below is from an hour ago, Its very revealing of how my night was. These two pictures were taken with in a 24 period of each other. I wanted to show them to you, so that you may understand the ups and the downs of what is like to an a chronic illness. Yes, I have good days! Heck I have amazing days, but there are days when its a genuine struggle.

Yes, there are times when I just need to cry for a little bit, because I would love to be healthy. But once I wipe the tears off my face, I look myself in the mirror and just thank God that I am living and I am healthy enough to work and to enjoy my life and to smile. I'm so grateful that I do have the friends I do, and that I do have the optimism I have. 

I am grateful for my life and everything I have been given. Sometimes it gets hard, but it's okay, because tomorrow always comes. 

Everyday is a new beginning, a new start to be the person I want to be, and to do the things I couldn't do yesterday. If there is one thing that I know for sure in this life, it's that today ends, the pain, the struggle, the hardship ends. And tomorrow comes, it always comes. If we would just hold out for 24 hours, we would be able to see a new day, a new beginning... :)

Great things never come from comfort zones.

To those who are struggling, who are lost or lonely, who don't feel good enough, those who are my friends, my neighbors, my family, even to myself. I'm writing this to all of us.

There are so many things in this world that say you're not pretty enough, strong enough, smart enough, no one can love you, you can't, you never will… I would love to use some colorful words to those thoughts, to tell them to go away.

Every single one of us has dreams, has a goal, has someone we love, has a hope for a better day. but there seems to always be this voice saying you could never accomplish that, they could never love you back, tomorrow will not be better, you have too many things in your way holding you back. 

For those of you who are struggling, for those of you who feel that you do not measure up. I want to tell you that YOU are AMAZING. I want to remind you that you have 100% success rate for getting through bad days... you have not only survived, but you have LIVED and pushed through...

I hope that you have people by your side telling you that you can achieve anything you put your mind too. I hope you know your worth and the amazing gifts and talents you bring to this world.

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."


There are so many things in this life that will tell you no, don't do it, you can't, you're not good enough, it won't work out. There are also so many things in this life that will tell you; yes, you can, you will, you are, you're good enough, it will work out, try it, have faith in it, trust it, fall in love with it, smile about it.....

Which one are you going to listen too? Which one matters more to you, living in fear or living in faith?

If you're reading this, if you're struggling... know that I Love You, and Our Father in Heaven loves you, and KNOWS you by name. He is aware of every thing that matters to your heart, the big and the small. Sometimes during stages in our lives all we can do is move forward with faith, and trust God enough that everything will work out the way it supposed too.

"Never, never, never Give up!" 

It's never too late...

"It's never too late to realize what's important in your life, and to fight for it."

So many of us are living scared. We're too scared to go for the job we really want, we're too scared to trust ourselves and take a leap of faith, we're too scared to fall in love, too scared to follow our dreams, too scared to stand up for ourselves.

We tend to go around saying we have faith, we believe in God, we believe in true love, we act one way, but say we act another. 

And when it comes down to it, we lose the faith we said we had, we don't trust the God that has always been there for us, we sabotage relationships that could of been something extraordinary, we show everyone that we are this person that loves this and likes that, but we actually hate this and dislike that... 

We are scared... We're scared to show face, we're scared to get hurt yet again, we're scared that no one will approve. So we go on through out our lives miserable and unhappy, because we keep wanting these amazing things that are scary, but we never do anything about it. We never take a leap of faith and hope that when we land, there will be solid ground to catch our feet. 

Everyone talks about dreams, and following ours hearts; whether it's on tv, in books, magazines in the movies, our best friends, random strangers... They preach that all it takes is courage and faith... Which it does, but it's so much more than that. If we would stop holding our own selves back, we could be anything and do anything. 

I think many of us forget it's okay to be scared... It's okay to be terrified that your putting your heart on the line, that your quitting a good paying job to follow your dreams, that your standing up for what you believe in, that your going back to school. 

It's okay to be scared...

If we never had fear in our lives and hearts, we would never grow, we would never become the people we were meant to become. We would simple stay the same, be the same, act the same, never grow, never love deeper, never laugh harder.... We would simply, be... Be nothing that really mattered, because there would be no growth, no pain to learn from, no tears to be cleansed from, no broken heart to heal from... We wouldn't have the opportunity to learn from our mistakes, to grow, to love better, to have more faith, to believe in ourselves....

I hope that through out our lives when we are scared, when we are unsure, when we don't want to have that pain again….  May we have courage, courage to trust our hearts, courage to trust others with our hearts, courage to love again, courage to follow our dreams, courage to be something!

At the end of the day remember these great words..

"It's never too late to realize what's important in your life, and to fight for it."

"Courage is being afraid but going on anyhow."  ~Dan Rather

"In the end, we only regret the chances we didn’t take, relationships we were afraid to have, and the decisions we waited too long to make." -unknown

"Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgement that something else is more important than fear." ~Ambrose Redmoon

…One last thing. So you've been hurt, you've been kicked to the ground, your heart has been shattered in to pieces.... So what... That's old news... And don't let it control your life anymore! Don't you see life's too short for us to give in, it's too short to be content with being miserable, and thinking we don't deserve anything better. So fight. You fight for what's yours and what you deserve, because. You. Are. Amazing!!

All My Love,
                        Megs

The Joy of a Snowflake

Christmas has always been one of my favorite times of the year, but as the season came I felt as though pieces of myself were missing. In the search to find those pieces again… I noticed miracles happening all around me, some were small and seemingly insignificant, but they mattered and others were grand and beautiful.

The magic of Christmas is truly shown all around, all we have to do is look for it. I have been blessed with so many things this christmas season, but today I was blessed with snowflakes…

Yes, I understand that these tiny little particles of dirt and frozen water can lead to icy roads and ruined shoes. But there is something so magical when you are able to slow the pace of the holiday season, and take a closer look at one single snowflake… They exist! They aren't just flurries falling from the sky, they truly are snowflakes with perfectly cut edges, and every single one is different and beautiful in its own way. 

It made me think of each one of us, and how we were created in the image of our father in heaven. Each one of us is different and beautiful in our own way.

 Some are small, and some are tall, some are round and some don't feel like they have been found. Some spread joy, and some try to find it. Some are so busy that they don't take a moment to look closely at others. Some do take those precious moments to slow down and really look upon others in a different way. Maybe if we all got our noses out of the ground and actually looked up, we would find that there is a whole world waiting for us. Maybe we would find that what we have been looking for is already around us. 

It just made me think of how slowing down and really looking at these tiny snowflakes made me feel like our father in heaven, our creator is making all of us and shaping all of us in different, and beautiful ways… and making these perfect Snowflakes for us to enjoy.

I felt like a kid again, I was yelling in to my parents house saying "They are real! Snowflakes are real!" they all of course laughed. I have always known that snow flakes were real… haha , but it was so cool to see them up close and actually being able to see there shapes… The Spirit of Christmas is real. 

Life is funny sometimes

Whether you are 19 or 46; Many of us are at that age, where the decisions we make can change the course of where our lives are going. 

Sometimes I miss the days where all you would worry about was to make sure your mom got your favorite cereal/snack at the grocery store, or making sure you get home from school in time to watch your favorite show, or even when our biggest worries were making sure you had enough "good markers" that weren't dried up...

 Now I'm sure there are many of us, who still have a favorite show to make it home too, or favorite cereal we want... But those aren't our only worries any more. Some have lost a loved one, some are living paycheck to paycheck, some are dealing with crippling health issues, and others may be searching for a friend, a companion,  or a better life. 

There this word that people use called "growing up", but I call it "living". It's this amazing thing that throws you through loops and makes you smile bigger and cry harder than you ever have. You know, it's kind of a beautiful thing when something happens so out of left field, that almost breaks your heart; and all you can do is laugh. Those moment when you are so caught off guard and have no idea how to react, that you just laugh. After so much anguish, and heart ache, the light starts to appear.

There is a quote that says " The darkest hour is just before the dawn breaks." That quote has helped me through many things in my life, it has helped me to hang on a little longer, to have faith a little brighter. I will tell you, the light comes, it always comes. Sometimes it comes soon an sometimes it comes late. Always know that in order for us to grow and become who we were meant to become, we must know sorrow to know happiness. It is by this that we will be able to appreciate the good, because we will have known the bad. 

Life is interesting to me, it seems that just when we think we figured things out, we get thrown a curveball. So, we improvise. We find happiness in unexpected places. We find ourselves understanding what matters the most. Life is funny that way. Sometimes it just has a way of making sure we wind up exactly where we belong... I like to call it The Lords plan. 

Sometimes the Best time is Now...

I have had a little Dove Chocolate wrapper in my car for about 2 years, that says "sometimes the best time is now."  Today as I was driving it got me thinking about life and how so many of us are always waiting... We are all waiting for the storm to pass, waiting for the right time, waiting to be happy when we graduate, make millions, get married, have babies, be retired... So many of us spend our lives waiting to be happy, when it is now that we must act. If you want to start your own business, do it!! If you love someone you tell them, you don't waste any of those moments. Those moments that could be gone in an instant. Those moments that just might change your life. If you want to change your life, do it! Because a year from now you will wish you did something today! 

Life can be scary, it is scary... But it is the most amazing ride we will ever have. Our Heavenly Father has given us life, a life that we should not waste. Sometimes in the mist of getting things done, and trying to take day by day; life happens. 

If it scares you, do it! If you want it with all your heart, go after it. You will be guided in all that you do, if you do it with a sincere heart... 

3rd Nephi 27:29

"Therefore, ask, and ye shall receive; knock, and it shall be opened unto you; for he that asketh, receiveth; and unto him that knocketh, it shall be opened."

I'm not saying if you ask you will win the lottery. But by praying to our Father in heaven for guidance and answers, you will receive them in The Lords own time and own way. Answers aren't always what we want them to be, but when the Lords will is lined up with ours there is no greater feeling of happiness. Now those times when the answer we hoped for is the answer that is right; those are the sweet and special moments that touch our hearts and strengthen our testimonies.

This life is a beautiful one, now go out there and live it, I mean Really live and love. 

A Sunday Thought

"True love requires action. We can speak of love all day long—we can write notes or poems that proclaim it, sing songs that praise it, and preach sermons that encourage it—but until we manifest that love in action, our words are nothing but “sounding brass, or a tinkling cymbal.”

Christ did not just speak about love; He showed it each day of His life. He did not remove Himself from the crowd. Being amidst the people, Jesus reached out to the one. He rescued the lost. He didn’t just teach a class about reaching out in love and then delegate the actual work to others. He not only taught but also showed us how to “succor the weak, lift up the hands which hang down, and strengthen the feeble knees.” 

Love is what inspired our Heavenly Father to create our spirits; it is what led our Savior to the Garden of Gethsemane to make Himself a ransom for our sins. Love is the grand motive of the plan of salvation; it is the source of happiness, the ever-renewing spring of healing, the precious fountain of hope.

As we extend our hands and hearts toward others in Christlike love, something wonderful happens to us. Our own spirits become healed, more refined, and stronger. We become happier, more peaceful, and more receptive to the whisperings of the Holy Spirit."

Love for others, Love for something, or Love for someone; Love is what drives us to become better than we are, it's what helps us become who we are meant to become. 

- President Dieter F. Uchtdorf