Lets Be Real; The truth about having a Chronic illness.

I'm going to be very candid about what it's like to have lymes disease and chronic fatigue. I'm an optimistic person. But half of the post is going to be sarcastic and genuinely honest about what it's like to live with health issues.

If any of you who are reading this, have struggles like mine, I'm sorry! I got your back!

 If you know me, I'm sure the words you would use to describe me would be Happy, outgoing, sassy at times, and loving.... Well I would hope. :)

If you really know me and have known me for a long time, you know I struggle with my health. There are days that I don't get out of bed till 3, and times when all I can do is sit in the bottom of the shower and breathe. I tend to play off my health issues like they are no big deal. I'm sure many people don't even realize the struggle that I have. 

Tonight was a hard night for me, I am turning 24 on Sunday and I just broke down. It is a hard thing to be so young and so sick. There's time when  I think I need to just purchase a punching bag, and get all my anger out using that. But then I realize I would probably have to rest and call in sick to work the next day because I would be so warn out from punching the bag. 

I didn't want to be sick,  I didn't ask for it. But it's okay, it's one of my struggles in this life. I know I can do this. 

I have always been grateful for my life and it has seemed that no matter how dark times have gotten for me, I have always been able to push through any kind of crap that has come my way. Whether it was my own mistake or pain caused by others. 

I'm sick of being sick. I'm sick of being more excited about finding great yoga pants to snuggle in my bed in, then great jeans. I'm tired of waking up just in time for work to get there, and just make it through the day and then come straight home, and jump in to bed. I'm sick of knowing every movie and TV series on Netflix. I'm tired of being almost 24 years old and saying I'm tired and I need to rest. I'm a party pooper, I'm sure I have lost friends because I tend to say no to a lot of things, or we plan something and the day comes and I cancel... To my friends, I want you to know that I love you, and I would love to go out and dance and play volleyball for hours and hours, and go rock climbing, but my body has to save up energy to do that.

And to My friends that may be surprised reading this; your probably thinking "what!" 

I know I come off like I am full of energy, and can keep going like and energizer bunny, but I can't, I'm just really really good and using my smile to hide my struggle. :)

Like today for instance, I went to bed around 11 last night, but of course my body was hurting and i was getting the lovely hot flashes and I couldn't fall asleep till 3, then my alarm goes off for church, I set snooze, I finally wake up at 12:10, and throw a dress on and some lipstick... I'm sure people who saw me thought I took time to get ready and probably didn't even think I was sick. Make up is a great thing.... especially when you lay back down in your bed and do it while your all snuggled in your bed... Thats when you know its a hard day... When you don't have enough energy to stand and do your make up. I then went to church, made it through and hour and a half, I really struggled because my mind was racing and I couldn't focus... Yes, to others they would say that happens to me all the time.. blah blah blah... Well with lymes it makes you feel like your head is going to explode, because my mind is going so fast, it causes my body to have anxiety and then I get a headache. So I came home filled up my water, grabbed a banana, and got in bed, and stayed there till 7:30. Tossing, turning, starring at the wall, napping, watching netflix, covering my face with a pillow because the cold side just felt good.

I decided to pull my hair up and go to a church activity with my roommate at about 8pm, after the activity I came home and went back to my room. I then of course was really stressed about a lot of things and threw up. I finally started feeling better, and am writing this from my bed. I have my red Dixie sweatshirt on, Nike spandex, Cariloha socks, and a heating pad on my legs. Oh and then there are the tears that are still sitting on my face from crying earlier... Because ya know, I'm just sick of being sick. :)

I think one of the hardest things is being sick and having people say "but you look healthy." "I had no idea""but you're so happy." "I wish I could lay down all the time like you." "You're lucky."

I know they mean well, but I could look at these people and freakin high five their face. "But you're happy." For reals!?? Ya. I am happy, I love life, I live my life, am I supposed to be sad??? Ya I have bad days, and bad weeks, but I still love my life.

"You wish you could lay down like me all the time." Yes, please try it. It's the best thing ever to be exhausted just taking a shower and having to lay down because your body is weak. Yes my gosh, it's the greatest having the day go by when you have so much to do or want to do, but can't because you physically can't get up. Then it's even better, because you then get stressed because you have a lot to do, then you get more sick. Whats even better, is when your body feels its best at 4 in the morning... so why not do laundry and get some groceries... You got to take advantage of times like that. :)

"I'm lucky." Oh hell yes I am!! I'm the luckiest person you will ever meet! Holla! Lucky me to have more doctors in my phone than family members, lucky me that I can't go to school full time and can barely go part time. Flip! Lucky me that I have the great joy of letting any guy I date seriously that "Hey, ya know if we get hitched, we are going to have to get a really good and comfy bed for your wife who is lucky enough to rest in it a lot." 

Oh yeah, I'm one lucky duck. I think one of the scarier things is worrying that I won't find someone who can deal with my health stuff. But I know I will. :)

But you know what, I probably enjoy the good times in life more than a lot of people. Reason being is, I know that bad times so well, that any tiny beautiful moment I cherish and genuinely smile from ear to ear. It could be as simple as someone bringing me a drink to work, and I would be on cloud nine for weeks. Truly. 

I'm lucky enough to recognize the small joys in life. 

I'm also lucky enough to have a Netflix account on behalf of my sister. :) She pays for it and I watch it. :)

One of the biggest things I am grateful for is having a family that loves me and understands me. Yes they give me crap, and tease me. But they support me, and allow me to lean on them. They also kick my butt in to gear if I need it. From the 2am calls with my mom crying and just having her listening ear. To my dad who caringly supports me, and will drop anything he is doing to serve me in any way. To my siblings who are there for me, I love you guys.

My daily life can be a real struggle. But I'm learning how to manage it. I'm understanding my self more and I'm developing a more trusting relationship with my Heavenly Father. There have been times when I did not have the strength to do something and I was literally carried through events in my life.

The picture below is from an hour ago, Its very revealing of how my night was. These two pictures were taken with in a 24 period of each other. I wanted to show them to you, so that you may understand the ups and the downs of what is like to an a chronic illness. Yes, I have good days! Heck I have amazing days, but there are days when its a genuine struggle.

Yes, there are times when I just need to cry for a little bit, because I would love to be healthy. But once I wipe the tears off my face, I look myself in the mirror and just thank God that I am living and I am healthy enough to work and to enjoy my life and to smile. I'm so grateful that I do have the friends I do, and that I do have the optimism I have. 

I am grateful for my life and everything I have been given. Sometimes it gets hard, but it's okay, because tomorrow always comes. 

Everyday is a new beginning, a new start to be the person I want to be, and to do the things I couldn't do yesterday. If there is one thing that I know for sure in this life, it's that today ends, the pain, the struggle, the hardship ends. And tomorrow comes, it always comes. If we would just hold out for 24 hours, we would be able to see a new day, a new beginning... :)